What I’m Wearing Wednesday…And Some Feels

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this formal announcement about some big changes in my life and have struggled with the right way to do it.  I’m not really sure there is a right way so I’m just going to do it the “me” way.  For some time now I’ve been needing a change in my life.  Because most people always see the mentally tough Crossfitter side of me in the gym who can compartmentalize whatever is going on in my life and just focus on the WOD at hand, they might not understand how hard the last two years have been on me.

After a seemingly perfect pregnancy through most of the previous year, my daughter, Reese, was born two months premature in January of 2014.  Her and I were traumatized both physically and mentally from the unexpected experience, but regardless, I had would drive a total of two hours a day for the next 50+ days to the NICU where she was staying to watch her grow in a box, just waiting for her little lungs to become strong enough to let her come home.  Great start to parenthood.

When it came time to go back to work, things just didn’t feel the same.  Trying to manage being a new mom, a career, coordinating childcare with my husband’s horrendous schedule, a new statewide curriculum, new students, a new administration…and on top of that trying to find my way back physically in the CrossFit world, my absolute passion in life, felt overwhelming at times.  That might sound a little selfish but I don’t care.  My physical health is the basis of my mental health.  Thank god for parents and in-laws, because without their understanding of how essential this aspect of my life is, I don’t think I would have made it through.

Then my dog died unexpectedly at 7.  I know dogs die.  I’ve dealt with this before with family pets.  But this was different.  This was Steve’s and my first baby girl.  Our everything.  The loss that was felt by not only ourselves but our families was indescribable.  Her humanness was so uncanny that the pain of this loss was so deep.  When she was taken from us so suddenly, so were all the visions of my first daughter growing up with Winnie.  My heart still hurts every day when I don’t hear the sound of her paws in the entry way when I come home. It’s ok if you think it’s kind of silly to feel this way over an animal. It’s just how I feel.

One week later my mom found out she had breast cancer.  WTF?!  Seriously?  How the hell does that happen to someone who has no history of cancer in their family.  There’s no explanation.  It just does.  And then you have to deal with it.  I’m not going to go into all the personal feelings because that’s my mom’s business and it’s personal.  But now I’m left with this lingering feeling in the back of my mind that a family history of breast cancer starts somewhere, so am I next? And what about my daughter?

There’s more that I won’t go into because I’d probably bore you with the details and a lot is too personal to share, but just know that it was enough to consume me with anxiety and bitterness.  The thought of continuing my life on a path of unhappiness led me to make an extremely difficult decision about where my life was headed.

It’s no secret that I have been a part of Crossfit North Marin from its establishment.  It was my gym, my people, my escape. It was my home away from home for the last five years.  It was a place that shaped who I am as both an athlete, a coach and a person.  I wouldn’t trade those five years for anything.  But at this very moment, to make the change that I need to take my life in the direction I want, it’s time for me to leave and continue my growth elsewhere.

Many of you may know.  Many of you might not.  And some of you won’t even care.  But, I left my teaching career to do some soul searching and have been given an amazing opportunity to become the general manager and full-time coach at Pacheco Valley Crossfit across town.  This opportunity is life changing.  It’s allowing me to take something that was once my hobby and make it my full-time passion.  My decision to accept this position comes with excitement and heartache, for myself and others.  There are people out there who want to make this about them…but it’s about finding my way back to me…a new me, in a new place, with new goals.  So here we go…

What I’m wearing this Wednesday is my new gym logo…and maybe a new pair of Lululemon speed shorts 🙂


4 Way Stretch Speed Shorts – Lululemon in Pink Lemonade

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